Turning Towards: A Queer Couples’ Guide to Gottman’s Emotional Bids
If you’ve ever felt like you and your partner are speaking different languages—or like you’re reaching out into the void and getting total silence back—you’re not alone. In couples therapy, we look at the tiny, everyday moments that make or break a connection.
Dr. John & Julie Gottman calls these moments emotional bids.
Whether you’ve been together for six months or sixteen years, learning how you and your partner handle bids can completely change the vibe of your relationship. Let’s break down what emotional bids are, how they show up (especially in LGBTQ+ relationships), and three practical ways to start tuning in.
So, What Exactly Is an Emotional Bid?
An emotional bid is any attempt to connect with your partner. It’s saying, "Hey, look at me", "Pay attention to me", or "I need a little love right now."
Bids aren’t usually big, dramatic declarations. More often, they’re subtle, everyday moments:
"Look at this hilarious meme." (A bid for shared humor)
A sigh while reading the news. (A bid for empathy or a check-in)
Reaching out to squeeze their hand on the couch. (A bid for physical affection)
"Ugh, coming out to my coworker today was so nerve-wracking." (A bid for validation and emotional support)
When a bid is made, the partner receiving it has three choices for how to react: turn towards, turn away, or turn against.
The Three Ways We Respond to Bids
Why Bids Matter (Especially in LGBTQ+ Relationships)
Gottman’s research shows that happy couples turn towards each other’s bids about 86% of the time, while couples on the rocks only turn towards each other around 33% of the time.
For queer, trans, and non-binary folks, turning towards bids is even more crucial. LGBTQ+ partners often deal with external stressors—like navigating heteronormative spaces, dealing with family dynamics, or experiencing everyday minority stress. When the outside world feels exhausting, your relationship needs to be a safe harbor. Turning towards each other’s bids builds a deep Emotional Bank Account that buffers your bond against outside stress.
3 Queer-Friendly Exercises to Try This Week
Here are three simple, low-pressure exercises to help you and your partner catch bids in the wild:
1. The "Catch Me Connecting" Challenge
Instead of tracking mistakes, spend a few days intentionally catching each other doing things right.
How to do it: Pick 3 days this week. Whenever you notice your partner turning towards a bid—like validating your stress about chosen family drama, laughing at your joke, or bringing you tea—say it out loud: "Thanks for turning towards me just now, that felt really good."
2. The Direct Bid Reframe
Sometimes we disguise our bids because we're afraid of rejection. We sigh heavily, make a passive-aggressive comment, or test our partner.
How to do it: Practice dropping the code words and making direct, vulnerable requests.
Instead of:"Must be nice to sit on your phone all evening."
Try:"I'm feeling a little disconnected from you tonight. Want to cuddle on the couch for 10 minutes with no screens?"
3. The Decompressing "Micro-Turn"
Transitions can be tough—especially coming home after a long day of code-switching or dealing with work stress.
How to do it: Set aside 10 minutes when you both get home or finish work. Put phones away, give each other a warm greeting, and ask: "How did your day treat you?" Give full eye contact and turn your physical body toward them while they answer.
Couch Conversations: 3 Prompts for You & Your Partner
Grab a cozy drink, sit down together, and try talking through these open-ended prompts:
The Disguised Bid:"What’s a subtle bid for attention or affection that I make pretty often that you think might fly under the radar?"
The Inner Story:"When I miss a bid or turn away because I'm distracted, what's the internal story you tell yourself about us?"
The Unwinding Barrier:"When life gets overwhelming—whether it's work stress, burnout, or dealing with outside nonsense—what helps you stay open to connecting instead of shutting down?"
The Takeaway
You don't need grand romantic dates to keep your relationship strong. True intimacy lives in the daily micro-turns: a quick text check-in, an empathetic ear, or putting your phone face-down when your partner starts talking. Start noticing the bids today—and watch how quickly your connection deepens!
Ready to Deepen Your Connection?
Navigating relationship dynamics and unlearning old patterns takes practice, but you don't have to figure it out on your own.
Over the past 9 years, I’ve dedicated my practice to helping LGBTQ+ couples tune back into each other and turn toward those everyday bids. Here at Calming Tides Therapy, I offer a warm, welcoming, and affirming space where you and your partner can refresh your communication, work through ruts, and build lasting intimacy.
When you're ready to take that next step together, reach out for a free 15-minute consultation—we’d love to connect!
In authenticity and healing,
Habibi E. Feliciano Pérez, CCTP, LCSW, MSW, RSW
Clinic Owner & Psychotherapist
Calming Tides Therapy LLC
